I feel like I haven’t really talked about my feelings lately. I’m feeling so indifferent, it’s strange. One day I’m happy, one day I’m sad, the next I’m not really feeling much of anything. I’m feeling anxious right now. I have been so stressed out over friendships and relationships lately, I feel like I don’t even have a choice anymore. Too much pressure and not enough spare time is causing wear and tear on my morale. I feel like I haven’t even enjoyed my summer because I’m constantly running around doing something. I’ve had plans and obligations literally every weekend, I feel like I’m not even getting a chance to work on my house. It’s just upsetting that summer is half way over and I haven’t enjoyed it in the least. This whole situation with this guy is really taking its toll on me. I’m feeling uncomfortable and like I’m slowly being backed into a corner. I really don’t understand why this keeps happening to me. I think this is the 4th “guy friend” I’ve had that has developed feelings for me when I have not. I’m in such a tough position, I don’t want to lose a good friend but I don’t want to lose myself in the process. I’m so sick of everyones’ opinions and ideas on what they think should be happening. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, you can’t force yourself to like someone. It just doesn’t happen and in certain cases yes I ended up liking them in the end but only because I had a small strand of physical and emotional attraction in the first place. The feelings just weren’t something I was secure enough to act on so I never did, until it was too late. Just this time it’s different. It’s not that I find him un attractive, so to speak, it’s just that I’m not attracted to him in any way. He is my friend, always has been, and I thought always would be. I guess I always counted on him being just my friend. I never had to worry about all the extra feelings that come along because I never thought they would exist. It’s different with him. With the last ex friend situation I always had feelings for him I just was too scared to act on them or to make them official for fear of them changing overnight. I always used to say if I could just like him my life would be perfect. I wanted to like him, I wanted to really like him a lot but I just didn’t (until it was too late). That’s why I know it’s different this time, because I don’t want to like him. I don’t wish I did. There’s just feelings you have for people and they’re either there or they’re not and they’re just not there for him. I don’t know what to do. It’s not fair to him and it’s not fair to me to continue on this way. I feel so overprotected, in the words of Britney Spears. But in all seriousness I really do. I don’t like feeling obligated or afraid to say or do something because of how shitty he’s gonna treat me when he finds out. We’re not dating, this shouldn’t even be an issue but of course it is. I just absolutely hate this feeling, it’s draining and exhausting. I think I just need a break. I don’t sit and think about being alone forever like I used to but every once in a while I do have those thoughts about wanting someone. Is it really too much to ask for to have someone that likes you that you actually like back? Come on, I’ve been waiting long enough.